hadesraze

2009-08-28T18:12:00.003-05:00

An overcast, bleak Thursday, August 27th of 2009. AT&T CEO Randall Stevenson, bloated to morbidly obese in excess of ham-sized foie gras wrapped in thousand dollar bills, wheezes atop his leather throne at the summit of the AT&T Tower, downtown Minneapolis.

"NO," he snorted, "NO, NO!" in fury, pounding his pudgy, cigar-clutching fist on his mahogany desk, his other soft sausage-digits perching his top hat in place. Through his monocle he squints in contempt at the CWA protesters marching in a circle on Ninth and Marquette, outside of the
atrium door far below. Leaning forward, he could hear the faint, distant echoes of their chants,

"AT&T, THIS IS YOU! AT&T, THIS IS YOU!"

"NO SHIT SANDWICHES, NO VITAMIN GUMMIES!"

"AT&T IS MUTATING SWINE FLU!"

"THEY TURK ERR JERBS!"

A red and gold-caped man, fist in the air, lead their proletarian cries of freedom with a megaphone, "Give us our Fair Contract Now or we'll pass out more rubber gloves as protected by NRLA Federal law!"

Randall Stevenson winced with contempt, jabbing his cigar out on his silent Tibetan slave boy. "ARGH, let them have their contract! I cannot stand this shouting!" he stood, a meaty tuxedo sleeve sweeping a solid gold statue from his desk, "My plans to take away their health insurance and outsource their jobs to Bangalore have been foiled again!"

2009-07-23T19:29:00.003-05:00

I've been hooked on this comic since Chopsy linked it many years ago, but a particularly good one here (I'd embed it, but shit if it don't leak over into my links on your right).

2009-06-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

an addendum to my last post, at Meryl's suggestion,

The new GM Boxica.

2009-06-12T18:36:00.004-05:00

Mercedes-Benz R&D

Doktor 1: Frau Kraut, let's make one of those silly box-cars, like the
Scion XB and the Honda Element.

Doktor 2: Ja, und then people can show their superiority by driving a
more expensive ugly box. Brilliantenheimer!

Nissan R&D, marketing,

Hamoshi: We need to get in on this box-car action. Except we will
remove all of the sharp edges. What should we call it?

Ryeohoto: CUBE.

Hamoshi: Good call. That's why you make the big bucks.

2009-05-04T13:26:00.004-05:00

back in my 04/29 post I made reference to Agent 0682288. This weekend Mister Stern sent us all a link to the web site with all of the voicemail recordings and some her very unusual web pages. Check 'eem oot.

a new addiction

2009-05-01T21:10:00.004-05:00

the PhotoSwap iPhone app. Here is the first of five (linked) from the German-end of a photo conversation I had today:

wat

2009-04-29T21:00:00.006-05:00

here's some scrumptious copypasta for you to stuff in your maws. This reminds me of the Agent 0682288 (#?) that used to leave voicemails at the LC back in the day from her Kansas State batty-ward.

Terry Wagar | April 25, 2009, 10:46am | #
Eric Carlson and Joan Wagar, A,K,A, Doubleclick and Mrs Dash,( yes those are there nicknames they gave each other.) admitted to poisoning me while I was a plasma donor back in 2005.
Eric Carlson pedofied me behind prison walls and then framed me as a pedophile on march 26th 2007, I caught the crime on a audio recorder I put in Joan's purse.
there were people in authority helping them with this and nobody in authority will help they pretend nothing happened and refuse to investigate this.
Eric Carlson changed his hair color and his name to Gashel and Clackamas Walmart was hiding him from my Family by pretending He's someone else but this is not hidden, only ignored by the authority's and media
I'm disabled from being poisoned and the hospitals refuse to admit I'm poisoned.
My Family is in danger from these people and I have no other recourse but to make these charges public.
My name is Terry Wagar,Im from Portland Oregon and I'm backing up these charges.
I have been threatened with harassment charges by a Sargent Walker, She is a Portland Police officer stationed at the OHSU hospital, for the non crime of reporting a multi murder conspiracy within that hospital.
They dont give a s4!t Joan and Eric was poisoning a plasma donor!
And how many god damn John Ray's in authority are there in portland oregon!
You damn serial killer.
Where did Mrs Dash keep her stash? in A Garlic Salt Shaker!
What did Doubleclick do with his Dick? You Pedo!
Why you hiding A body double for Clackamas Walmart?
Cover this up Sgt Walker!

http://portland.indymedia.org/en/2008/11/382778.shtml

This comment apparently having nothing to do with the URL it links at the end, the latter URL's circumstances are pretty recoiling in their own different right. I will render no opinion on those.

2009-04-23T18:17:00.003-05:00

Hai guise, wat's goin' on out there?

In case you haven't realized by now, when I'm not sitting at my apartment and drinking, I am usually busy not posting here. I swear I've only found the time now because Leno is a re-run tonight. I don't know why he doesn't bring the camera crew into the hospital; eating bad seafood is the funniest thing he's done in decades.

So comrades, are you safer than Bush from an Obama prosecution, but more in peril than a Holder detainee? Well good news: I continue to facilitate firearm purchases through relatives with an FFL. If you haven't yet acted to protect yourself from our [welcome, benevolent] Overlords, there is still time to get in on the gun bubble; just contact me with your interests. ACT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN! The end of the twenty-aughts is nigh!! [INSERT ADDITIONAL FRANTIC FEARMONGERING HERE]!!! [MORE HERE]!!!!

In unrelated news, some evidence of poker nights recent, and the friends that're still around.

And in providence and posterity, this photo of a bureaucrat with a meerkat:

2009-03-04T17:07:00.001-06:00

How fitting for a great Boston institution...

WASHINGTON – British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has told Congress that Sen. Edward M. Kennedy has been awarded honorary knighthood.

Article I, Section 9, paragraph 8:
"No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State."

Throw him out! With all of the Esquires!

2009-02-24T18:46:00.004-06:00

So, screw you guys. *I* got a phone on my phone.

tersm

2009-02-23T21:08:00.002-06:00

Graham: I'm almost ready to vote for you right now. (LAUGHTER) I'll stop. I agree with you. We're at war. And the enemy that we're at war with, would you agree, is an unconventional enemy?
Holder: No question about that. There is not going to be a surrender signing on the battleship Missouri. This war is not going to end in that way.
Graham: And the people who are fighting, they don't wear uniforms.
Holder: They do not, which...
Graham: They operate outside the law of armed conflict.
Holder: They do....
Graham: Where is the battlefield in this war?...
Holder: The battlefield—there are physical battlefields, certainly, in Afghanistan. But there are battlefields, potentially, you know, in our nation. There are cyber battlefields...where we're going to have to engage.
But there's also—and this sounds a little trite, but I think it's real—there's a battlefield, if you want to call it that, with regard to the hearts and minds of the people in the Islamic world....

So. Who wants to come up with the Global War on Hearts and Minds logo graphic?

2009-02-17T19:32:00.006-06:00

Hay guise, have reason.com put you into the Stimulus package! I know it already passed, but it isn't like they pay attention to legalities like that anymore anyways.

National Telecommunications and Information Administration

salaries and expenses

For an additional amount for `Salaries and Expenses', $350,000,000, to remain available until September 30, 2011: Provided, That funds shall be available to establish the State Broadband Data and Development Grant Program, as authorized by Public Law 110-385, for the development and implementation of statewide initiatives to identify and track the availability and adoption of broadband services within each State, and to develop and maintain a nationwide broadband inventory map, as authorized by section 6001 of division B of this Act.

wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Reverend Lee R. Brenn for the Reverend Lee R. Brenn Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $11,000,000,000,000 shall be paid directly to Reverend Lee R. Brenn in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Reverend Lee R. Brenn to processing of paperworks, notarization, and filing or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Reverend Lee R. Brenn will receive free recordings of the Golden Girls television program tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Reverend Lee R. Brenn shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Representative Ron Paul is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.

anyhow, who can make it to Will's performance at the 400 Bar tomorrow night, around 8:00 PM? I think I can!

2009-02-14T15:42:00.003-06:00

I...I ca...caumph. D-d-d-d...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DREAM THEATER’S “PROGRESSIVE NATION 2009” TO TOUR NORTH AMERICA IN JULY/AUG WITH SPECIAL GUESTS ZAPPA PLAYS ZAPPA, PAIN OF SALVATION AND BEARDFISH

not a blog post

2009-02-13T18:10:00.002-06:00

For you yokels who haven't yet picked up Doug Stanhope tickets, brownpapertickets.com is all out and you'll need to buy 'em from the scalpers over at ticketweb.com.

Also to plug, Will Tolle is performing at the 400 Bar every Wednesday night through February and March. So turn up some time soon. Turn up to all of them.

And there are some new pictures here. Awe.

It Can't Happen Here

2009-01-27T19:26:00.005-06:00

He most noticed a number of stray imitation soldiers, without side-arms or rifles, but in a uniform like that of an American cavalryman in 1870: slant-topped blue forage caps, dark blue tunics, light blue trousers, with yellow stripes at the seam, tucked into leggings of black rubberoid for what appeared to be the privates, and boots of sleek black leather for officers. Each of them had on the right side of his collar the letters "M.M." and on the left, a five-pointed star. There were so many of them; they swaggered so brazenly, shouldering civilians out of the way; and upon insignificances like Doremus they looked with frigid insolence.
He suddenly understood.
These young condottieri were the "Minute Men": the private troops of Berzelius Windrip, about which Doremus had been publishing uneasy news reports. He was thrilled and a little dismayed to see them now--the printed words made brutal flesh.

-Sinclair Lewis, It Can't Happen Here

Going out of my way to speak for all of us, I really hope I don't start seeing these jackets around. I've been thinking about getting one myself, just in case.

2009-01-21T22:44:00.003-06:00

I had a hearty laugh with the reason.com folks yet again this week, as Mr. Moynihan cited a Whoopi Goldberg quote, framed in the below quotes. My economics-inclined friends (the majority of them, sadly) will find this hilarious on double front:

...Take this brilliant assessment from Whoopi Goldberg, star of Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit: "I find it extraordinary as I listen to folks talk about the free-market system that they don't recognize that the free-market system is truly broken and beyond repair so that we have to start all over again."
Lest you dismiss such prescriptions as the mad rantings of America's worst ex-center square, Goldberg explains that she came to Keynesianism only after a friend told her of the financial crisis's rotten, free market roots. "It was explained to me; I don't think I could explain it to you righteously (sic), but it made sense when I heard the explanation. Basically, the bank is sitting because they're not below what their paperwork should say and they're not above what their paperwork should say - they're right at their paperwork mark and they don't want to move from that."

And the number-one comment,

The Extispicator | January 20, 2009, 2:31pm | #
I dunno, I usually trust whatever someone named Goldberg has to say about banking.

some re-posts

2009-01-19T19:38:00.005-06:00

Stale within the day to some of you, but worth being printed here.

Joshua Holmes <http://www.no-treason.com> | January 17, 2009, 6:27pm

A young boy clutching a paper bag sat next to a middle-aged man on a park bench. The boy opened up the bag and pulled out a candy bar. He ate it, savoring every bite. The middle-aged man let a smile creep across his face.

After finishing, the boy reached into the bag and pulled out a second candy bar. A look of consternation crossed the man's face. To his astonishment, the boy ate a second candy bar. Then a third. A fourth. A fifth.

Finally, the boy pulled out a sixth candy bar, and the man couldn't bear it any longer. "Son," he said, "I don't think eating six candy bars is good for your health."

"My great-granddad lived to a hundred and six," the boy replied.

A smirk covered the man's face. "And did he eat six candy bars one after another?"

"I don't know," said the boy, "but I do know he minded his own fucking business."

and, something I wish I'd written...

Old Timey Bureaucrat Porn | January 17, 2009, 1:29pm | #

Secretary Scroot peered through his eyeglasses at the naked, quivering figure of the American economy.

"Stimulate me," whispered the economy, "I need to be stimulated *so much*"

"I'll stimulate you, all right," said the lascivious Scroot. "You aren't the only one whose pump needs priming."

"I can give you four million jobs," purred the economy. "And I bet you can guess what kind of jobs I'm talking about."

Scroot pressed the intercom button with his left hand while, with his trembling, arthritic right hand he unbuttoned his jacket and pants.

"Cancel my appointments," Scroot gasped into the intercom. "If the President calls tell him I'm working on the economy."

from the goyim

2009-01-13T19:14:00.010-06:00

Zion Elders? Not in my State, or, Two Jews in the Senate is Worth One in the Oven
St Jewish Park, Minnesota

Two New York Heebs, still today engaged in a tense, ongoing battle for a Senate seat to represent the Nordic hinterlands of Minnesota, made appearances at a Jewish Community Center in St Louis Park to stand united in their support for Israel.

Nobody was surprised, except for the Arabic equivalents of colonial-era Native Americans, getting the bajeezus blown out of them in the Gaza Strip by Israel-operated US-purchased rockets.

bonus round: leave your photo captions in the Comments.

2009-01-10T14:11:00.003-06:00

MacHairy bought one of these a while back, and Reason.com recently directed me to a series of hilarious reviews of the product. They are worth the time to take in reading if you can read. I've copypasta'd the best one for your convenience.

This item is very useful for protection against copying, deletion or destruction of secure or personal data on a laptop when traveling to the U.S. or any other communist country.

To do so place said item together with a set of Mirror-aculous Magical Mirror Decoders Beaver Finger Puppet in a JanSport 22" Wheeled Red Carry-On.

When arriving at the actual security checkpoint, you should be dressed in a Buffy The Vampire Slayer Hot Red Leather Pants, BB Dakota Yellow Jacket, Adult Red And White Striped Pirate Shirt draped with a Port Authority Signature Light Blue Sweater Afro WIG, Black.

Before passing through the checkpoint place the beaver behind the checkpoint across from where you will enter. Approach the checkpoint and place the laptop on the x-ray scanner first, laptop data protection device second, and Mirror-aculous Magical Mirror Decoders third on the belt (NB, the order is very important). At the moment you pass the machine and the alarm flashes for no apparent reason, call out "Look, a beaver" and proceed to pass through the checkpoint. The diversion will divert the officers attention long enough to break their intense concentration which gives your laptop the opportunity to pass unnoticed. The highly trained personnel will catch this security breach nonetheless, however when they turn their attention back to the x-ray screen the Mirror-aculous Pack It! Magical Mirror Decoders will reflect an image of the Playmobil Security Check Point, which will create a sensation of déjà vu which in turn confuses the officers into thinking the check was already performed, therefore neglecting the actual check.

For optimal performance a checkpoint should be located with a latino officer to the left and hooded albino officer to the right of the checkpoint.

By swipe_again

the mighty sea voyage of Hill Plaza

2008-12-23T21:16:00.010-06:00

no comment

2008-11-07T18:17:00.001-06:00

bread, circuses, and ballot boxes for the slaves

2008-11-04T18:51:00.013-06:00

Well lookie here; I caught these overzealous political mobs standing over 94 on Snelling Ave, McCain camped on the east side and Obama on the west side, cheering back and forth over their support for the next political ruler who will take the handle of the stick to whip us for the next four years.

Remember, their participation in our illegitimate government's crowd-soothing scheme only encourages the political class.

I'll leave you enlightened with some Von Mises,

"The essential feature of government is the enforcement of its decrees by beating, killing, and imprisoning. Those who are asking for more government interference are asking ultimately for more compulsion and less freedom." - from Human Action

"The state is a human institution, not a superhuman being. He who says state means coercion and compulsion. He who says: There should be a law concerning this matter, means: The armed men of the government should force people to do what they do not want to do, or not to do what they like. He who says: This law should be better enforced, means: the police should force people to obey this law. He who says: The state is God, deifies arms and prisons." - from Omnipotent Government

2008-10-31T18:05:00.001-05:00

DON'T VOTE

2008-10-30T20:56:00.001-05:00

It's immoral.

2008-10-23T18:43:00.003-05:00

Hay, look...an OK COP. That is, I mean, an Oklahoma cop.

And this headline is pretty swell: Police face cuts as economy falters

Awesome! Can I cut a couple of them, please?